April was chaotic. The third weekend, my mom and I drove to Florida to visit her family. Before anyone gets excited and talks of beaches and palm trees, let me specify we were just south of Alabama. Peanuts and pine trees and 3 hours from the beach.
Her parents celebrated 64 years together in January. There’s a very strong possibility there will not be a 65th anniversary. Both are on home hospice. It was hard seeing them, even harder talking to the hospice nurse explain an ever dizzying amount of drugs, while I could not repeat their names, the names were familiar enough to mean the end is near.
My cousin lives on their property with her kids, so she can check on them. My aunt and uncle live just up the road. So it is reassuring to know they are close, yet I do not wish to live closer.
I have written before that blood does not make a family to me, and every visit reminds me of such.
The thing is both grandparents have brothers and sisters. These great aunts and uncles are people I never met. At one point or another they had a falling out with this one and that one, til finally it was just them.
My Dad’s dad is the same way. It is unknown how many brothers and sister he had. He hated them all, so it was a strange day in my late 20s when he said I should visit “Mary… MY SISTER” whom I had never heard of before.
So in my life I grew up “knowing” that at any point in time, I could suddenly not have a family.
3 grandparents, 1 aunt, 2 cousins, 1 brother, 2 parents… could suddenly disown me. Maybe my parents would not… but maybe they would… It builds a huge fear factor growing up that you don’t have words to express to your parents.
And then in my early 30s the tables reversed. My grandmother’s family is full of love, and shared it even though she passed away over 25 years ago. My parents and I were at the birthday party of my grandmother’s sister, Dad’s aunt. Grandad walked up to me and proceeded to ask what was wrong with me that I was not dating. I said “I am just not interested” and walked away. He brought his girlfriend to me, “I am dating, a man my age is dating why don’t you date?” Again I made a remark and walked away. This time he cornered me. There was no place for me to go… “What is wrong with you? Why aren’t you dating? What is wrong with you?” I was shaking and biting my lip to keep from crying.
My dad jumped in, and told my grandad off. I don’t know what he said because he told me to leave and I did. Dad told me to treat my grandad the same way he treated me. We stopped talking other than brief hellos. When he fell, his mean streak that had been fairly contained grew out of hand. Women were nothing more than property, so Dad was a buffer IF we said more than hello and how are you to him.
So, when people ask me what family means… I say “love.” Family is not blood. Family is people who love each other, who share a sameness. People who make you feel like you are not a part of them, who may disown you if they feel like it… that’s not family. Family is love.
So I said there was a lot to cover since my babysitting absence. Perhaps my hesitation in personal writing has been that some personal stuff has happened. Some really great things that in some ways I am still trying to understand. But let’s sequence the wavy flashback effects now…
SNOW!
In February we had snow. Now for some people that’s no biggie, but for where I live, snow is a surprise. Snow that actually sticks to the ground for more than a few hours is a shocker. Snow for a few days?
Valentine’s and a House Guest
A few days before Valentine’s Day this snow moved in and then my boyfriend from NM visited while the snow was still here. This was my first Valentine’s with someone in 4 years which was nice, but a stress because I haven’t had anyone stay in my home for a couple of days in many years. I’d rather not admit it, but I have become a bit used to bachelorette life.
So here were 3 things that were bit amazing happening. Then another happened as well. My family is small. A family reunion would be 17 people with significant others, and 4 generations included. Since the family is small you would expect us to be close… you’d think… Then pictures must be made quickly before people see the camera. Most certainly they don’t pose like we did below.
Brunch
And my boyfriend’s cousins invited us to brunch at their house an hour from here. The cousin who I already knew through Facebook gave me a hug. His sister and her family, I didn’t know and they invited us in warmly. We laughed and talked in the kitchen while brunch was being made. Everyone interacting like families should.
We ate brunch. Sharing food, discussing the new dishes, accepting imaginary tea from the 2 year old’s tea cart. Then we cleaned up together and laughed at music videos. Later we went out on their boat. A 42 foot boat with a cabin. The biggest boat I’d ever been on, we cranked music, while the girls fled from the “old people dancing” and in the midst of it all “Imma Be” came on.
Imma Be
It’s the first time I heard the song. Dancing on a boat. Surrounded with LOVE. My boyfriend, who makes my heart light. A family who loves each other. And my writing career growing. I felt loved. I felt amazed. And I felt incredibly at home.
“Imma be living the good life. The good, good, life. Imma be living the good life.”
yea… I am…
♥ MJ
PS. The next post will bring us back to current times!
Silly video recorded while the song was playing… a beer with frozen head …
Like I said in the last post, I have been fighting depression, and trying to accept that people want to spend time with me. In school sticking my nose in a book helped me not get picked on (even by a PE teacher, who coached my classmates into calling me names and hitting me). Crying got me in trouble at home. At 10 I had a detailed suicide plan.
Last weekend I was asked about dating in high school. I didn’t date in high school not even asked out. But I was happy to have a small group of friends. Crushes, PE, weaknesses were ammunition for being attacked. Married, my ex would say I was beautiful, but he didn’t want to touch me except in public, and I was friendless. Bosses called me stupid, yet I was the one to call to fix things. Any weakness I showed was attacked; yet I am the healer, the counselor.
My brain understand these are opposite messages. My brain understands the negative things are just that and are something I need to let go. Yet hiding behind books growing up, being cut off later, I have very few friends locally and then they are often busy with parental duties. So I find myself wondering how to make friends…
Part of this is my own fault, because while I said a few months ago I would ask for help, but still don’t actively seek friends. Calling people, visiting people are in the “don’t be a burden” memory banks. So I trust a limited one or two and continue to feel isolated and unable to balance the opposites.
Then at Unseminar 7, after a speaker,upon standing, I felt the wave hit. Shaking hands meant my blood sugar dropped. I told Maggie I was going to get a candy bar, she saw my hands and told me to sit, and Bill to watch me. Suddenly there were people every where. Lynette behind me. Rahdi, Jayson, and others, I don’t know who, because I was suddenly hot, my heart was beating like war drums. My fumbling fingers couldn’t open a stupid banana, I was weak…
and there was no attack…
no one saying you are a failure, crybaby, idiot, you shoulda this, you shoulda that…
Suddenly I had a protein bar, meal bar and banana, which Jayson opened when he saw I couldn’t get it open. Lynette fanned my neck, and someone helped me slip off the shirt jacket I was wearing. Bill tested my blood. …
and I was loved…
I am loved.
How do I say thank you?
How can I be a friend?
So I ask for help… please teach me to be a friend…
D*MNED IF YOU DO
This has been on my mind a lot lately. Unfortunately, business success is a slow going process, which I understand. Yet, things have been happening that make life even harder, a lot of d*mned-if-you-do,-d*mned-if-you-don’t. In the summer I got rid of a lot of things in my house that had negative influences. Now I am looking at people.
.
IRONY
Pair of family members got into a discussion in my car saying that a divorced woman commits adultery by marrying again. This and other discussions were “because they were worried I didn’t believe in God.” Ironically because of these discussions I did before, and now I am not certain.
Meanwhile an ex-friend from Un5 told me no man would go out with me without sex. I want a man to want ALL OF ME, brains, laughing, dancing, studying, silly, pet owning, coffee loving me. Furthering the above mentioned d*mned cycle, if I stay in on Friday night, someone will ask “why aren’t you out?” Then I am told if you want to find someone “you need to learn to live alone.” I haven’t been on a date in over a year.
.
IT GETS MESSY
So between problems with family and friends trying to decide if I want to date again, if so how to meet good men, and watching a friend go through a divorce. Then business related trying to get a business started. Then financial related trying to decide what to do about an income, paying bills, having emergency expenses, and so much… and actually truth is I have been fighting depression since I got laid off in April, which grew when I quit in July, but I don’t need another job where I am treated like I am stupid (even told that by a manager).
Add in this past week I learned a VERY PAINFUL BUSINESS LESSON from “a friend” suddenly I was hurting so bad, I was worried I’d do something incredibly stupid that would get me hurt. Stress makes me turn fearless, combine a high pain tolerance & I do chores I shouldn’t, like clean gutters standing on the on the TOP step of a shaking ladder.
.
FRIENDS REDEFINED:
But I made a comment about being incredibly hurt on Twitter and I wished I could talk to someone. Within minutes Martha was on the phone asking me what she could do. The next day, Maggie, Karen and Trapper had contacted me. I had pulled out of a forum and within days the founder talked to me. So the painful lesson resulted in me learning the difference between friends and those “who want to be your friend.”
.
FAMILY REDEFINED:
Oddly earlier in the week someone asked me how do you define family. Being ever curious, I looked up the actual definition, expecting blood relations. There are several definitions, household, common ancestry, scientific terms, and then: people who share a common background and goal. My family is rather small, shrunk further by discord, and I have always wanted to be part of a big family.
So rather than continue claiming “blood” family, I will claim those who share a common goal. The first being Love.
Which means a very few “blood” relations, plus a whole family who are not blood related to me, but they are family to me, and I them (Stella, April et.al. Love you!) My family consists of someone I have loved (non-romantic) since we were singing “Froggy went a Courting” (Prince love you!) Then there is Vicki in New Mexico. And many people I have met in the past 2 years that now are family (Maggie, Christy, Martha, Karen, Twenty, Carol and more)
So define your family and friends by your heart. Ignore the words in dictionary. Don’t ignore your gut when it says don’t be friends with M even if friends say trust them. Follow your heart. ♥
♥
So what is your definition of friends? Of family?
Does it really matter what the dictionary says or should they be defined by your heart?
I have written before that blood does not make a family to me, and every visit reminds me of such.
IRONY
