Like I said in the last post, I have been fighting depression, and trying to accept that people want to spend time with me. In school sticking my nose in a book helped me not get picked on (even by a PE teacher, who coached my classmates into calling me names and hitting me). Crying got me in trouble at home. At 10 I had a detailed suicide plan.
Last weekend I was asked about dating in high school. I didn’t date in high school not even asked out. But I was happy to have a small group of friends. Crushes, PE, weaknesses were ammunition for being attacked. Married, my ex would say I was beautiful, but he didn’t want to touch me except in public, and I was friendless. Bosses called me stupid, yet I was the one to call to fix things. Any weakness I showed was attacked; yet I am the healer, the counselor.
My brain understand these are opposite messages. My brain understands the negative things are just that and are something I need to let go. Yet hiding behind books growing up, being cut off later, I have very few friends locally and then they are often busy with parental duties. So I find myself wondering how to make friends…
Part of this is my own fault, because while I said a few months ago I would ask for help, but still don’t actively seek friends. Calling people, visiting people are in the “don’t be a burden” memory banks. So I trust a limited one or two and continue to feel isolated and unable to balance the opposites.
Then at Unseminar 7, after a speaker,upon standing, I felt the wave hit. Shaking hands meant my blood sugar dropped. I told Maggie I was going to get a candy bar, she saw my hands and told me to sit, and Bill to watch me. Suddenly there were people every where. Lynette behind me. Rahdi, Jayson, and others, I don’t know who, because I was suddenly hot, my heart was beating like war drums. My fumbling fingers couldn’t open a stupid banana, I was weak…
and there was no attack…
no one saying you are a failure, crybaby, idiot, you shoulda this, you shoulda that…
Suddenly I had a protein bar, meal bar and banana, which Jayson opened when he saw I couldn’t get it open. Lynette fanned my neck, and someone helped me slip off the shirt jacket I was wearing. Bill tested my blood. …
and I was loved…
I am loved.
How do I say thank you?
How can I be a friend?
So I ask for help… please teach me to be a friend…
MJ Schrader
Posted by MJ Schrader under
Life
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D*MNED IF YOU DO
This has been on my mind a lot lately. Unfortunately, business success is a slow going process, which I understand. Yet, things have been happening that make life even harder, a lot of d*mned-if-you-do,-d*mned-if-you-don’t. In the summer I got rid of a lot of things in my house that had negative influences. Now I am looking at people.
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IRONY
Pair of family members got into a discussion in my car saying that a divorced woman commits adultery by marrying again. This and other discussions were “because they were worried I didn’t believe in God.” Ironically because of these discussions I did before, and now I am not certain.
Meanwhile an ex-friend from Un5 told me no man would go out with me without sex. I want a man to want ALL OF ME, brains, laughing, dancing, studying, silly, pet owning, coffee loving me. Furthering the above mentioned d*mned cycle, if I stay in on Friday night, someone will ask “why aren’t you out?” Then I am told if you want to find someone “you need to learn to live alone.” I haven’t been on a date in over a year.
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IT GETS MESSY
So between problems with family and friends trying to decide if I want to date again, if so how to meet good men, and watching a friend go through a divorce. Then business related trying to get a business started. Then financial related trying to decide what to do about an income, paying bills, having emergency expenses, and so much… and actually truth is I have been fighting depression since I got laid off in April, which grew when I quit in July, but I don’t need another job where I am treated like I am stupid (even told that by a manager).
Add in this past week I learned a VERY PAINFUL BUSINESS LESSON from “a friend” suddenly I was hurting so bad, I was worried I’d do something incredibly stupid that would get me hurt. Stress makes me turn fearless, combine a high pain tolerance & I do chores I shouldn’t, like clean gutters standing on the on the TOP step of a shaking ladder.
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FRIENDS REDEFINED:
But I made a comment about being incredibly hurt on Twitter and I wished I could talk to someone. Within minutes Martha was on the phone asking me what she could do. The next day, Maggie, Karen and Trapper had contacted me. I had pulled out of a forum and within days the founder talked to me. So the painful lesson resulted in me learning the difference between friends and those “who want to be your friend.”
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FAMILY REDEFINED:
Oddly earlier in the week someone asked me how do you define family. Being ever curious, I looked up the actual definition, expecting blood relations. There are several definitions, household, common ancestry, scientific terms, and then: people who share a common background and goal. My family is rather small, shrunk further by discord, and I have always wanted to be part of a big family.
So rather than continue claiming “blood” family, I will claim those who share a common goal. The first being Love.
Which means a very few “blood” relations, plus a whole family who are not blood related to me, but they are family to me, and I them (Stella, April et.al. Love you!) My family consists of someone I have loved (non-romantic) since we were singing “Froggy went a Courting” (Prince love you!) Then there is Vicki in New Mexico. And many people I have met in the past 2 years that now are family (Maggie, Christy, Martha, Karen, Twenty, Carol and more)
So define your family and friends by your heart. Ignore the words in dictionary. Don’t ignore your gut when it says don’t be friends with M even if friends say trust them. Follow your heart. ♥
♥
So what is your definition of friends? Of family?
Does it really matter what the dictionary says or should they be defined by your heart?
MJ Schrader
Posted by MJ Schrader under
Life
