Life of MJ Schrader

Family, Friends Redefined?

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D*MNED IF YOU DO
This has been on my mind a lot lately. Unfortunately, business success is a slow going process, which I understand. Yet, things have been happening that make life even harder, a lot of d*mned-if-you-do,-d*mned-if-you-don’t. In the summer I got rid of a lot of things in my house that had negative influences. Now I am looking at people.

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IRONY
Pair of family members got into a discussion in my car saying that a divorced woman commits adultery by marrying again. This and other discussions were “because they were worried I didn’t believe in God.” Ironically because of these discussions I did before, and now I am not certain.

Meanwhile an ex-friend from Un5 told me no man would go out with me without sex. I want a man to want ALL OF ME, brains, laughing, dancing, studying, silly, pet owning, coffee loving me. Furthering the above mentioned d*mned cycle, if I stay in on Friday night, someone will ask “why aren’t you out?” Then I am told if you want to find someone “you need to learn to live alone.” I haven’t been on a date in over a year.

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IT GETS MESSY
So between problems with family and friends trying to decide if I want to date again, if so how to meet good men, and watching a friend go through a divorce. Then business related trying to get a business started.  Then financial related trying to decide what to do about an income, paying bills, having emergency expenses, and so much… and actually truth is I have been fighting depression since I got laid off in April, which grew when I quit in July, but I don’t need another job where I am treated like I am stupid (even told that by a manager).

Add in this past week I learned a VERY PAINFUL BUSINESS LESSON from “a friend” suddenly I was hurting so bad, I was worried I’d do something incredibly stupid that would get me hurt. Stress makes me turn fearless, combine a high pain tolerance & I do chores I shouldn’t, like clean gutters standing on the on the TOP step of a shaking ladder.

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FRIENDS REDEFINED:
But I made a comment about being incredibly hurt on Twitter and I wished I could talk to someone. Within minutes Martha was on the phone asking me what she could do. The next day, Maggie, Karen and Trapper had contacted me. I had pulled out of a forum and within days the founder talked to me. So the painful lesson resulted in me learning the difference between friends and those “who want to be your friend.”

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FAMILY REDEFINED:
Oddly earlier in the week someone asked me how do you define family. Being ever curious, I looked up the actual definition, expecting blood relations.  There are several definitions, household, common ancestry, scientific terms, and then: people who share a common background and goal. My family is rather small, shrunk further by discord, and I have always wanted to be part of a big family.

So rather than continue claiming “blood” family, I will claim those who share a common goal. The first being Love.

Which means a very few “blood” relations, plus a whole family who are not blood related to me, but they are family to me, and I them (Stella, April et.al. Love you!)  My family consists of someone I have loved (non-romantic) since we were singing “Froggy went a Courting” (Prince love you!)  Then there is Vicki in New Mexico. And many people I have met in the past 2 years that now are family (Maggie, Christy, Martha, Karen, Twenty, Carol and more)

So define your family and friends by your heart.  Ignore the words in dictionary. Don’t ignore your gut when it says don’t be friends with M even if friends say trust them.  Follow your heart. ♥

♥

So what is your definition of friends? Of family?

Does it really matter what the dictionary says or should they be defined by your heart?

MJ Schrader

What you want to be

Some try to tell me,
Thoughts they cannot defend,
Just what you want to be,
You will be in the end
~~ Nights in White Satin ~~ Moody Blues

Some try to tell me thoughts they cannot defend:
Sunday, went to my old church. I’ve attended a few times recently after several years absence. This Sunday they ask about my past job. They want me to be church bookkeeper. “We’ll have to work on her.” Well, I am no longer a bookkeeper, nor a tax preparer. The priest tells me about the newer computer they have. I don’t do bookkeeping, not for fees especially not for free.

This is followed shortly by “So what do you do now?” I am a consultant and writer. “What do you write about?” or “What kind of consulting?” Starting some Mastermind groups, helping people find the love within and build their business. They look at me like I am crazy. If I answer the writing question, I get a similar look.

My accounting degree was because “you’re good with math” and “you have to get a degree so you can get a job.”  I didn’t believe in jobs at 7, yet a job pays bills was the logic. Accounting is not math. Employers didn’t like ideas that were creative. Men that called me pretty, didn’t like that I was smart.  Is it that strange that my fingernails are long, I like paintball, SciFi, cartoons, roses, and being treated like a lady? But I pretended to be assimilated.

This has been my problem for many years. For 5 years I have wanted to build a business online, yet the offline world looks at me like I am crazy. Twitter and Facebook are helping me build an online circle that helps me know that I can succeed with what my heart desires. My seemingly random tastes are not that uncommon. Besides which I learned how to break out of the mold & swallowed the red pill. I know the truth.

Just what you want to be, You will be in the end
So while they look at me strange, it pushes me farther into the truth. For over 30 years I have complied with what the majority wanted and expected of me. People called me shy as a kid, when I was introspective. Yet, I believed their label for years. I assimilated. Problem is I am not a Borg. Yes, I am a geek by referring to Matrix and Star Trek, still not a Borg.

I am the one and only me. A geek teaching people how to love themselves. Labels are confining but I like geek. In that thought a joke came up, Love Rockstar, it sounds contradictory and makes me smile. I like it. I wrote a flaming letter to my church. Because I will be me, not a shy little bookkeeper, but the Love Rockstar with varied crazy tastes and not afraid to share hugs.

Love
~~MJ
Love Rockstar