Odds are, you know someone who was physically abused, odds are you know someone who was sexually assaulted even raped. Odds are you know someone emotionally abused. Odds are you know several. Odds are in many cases you don’t even know this is part of their history or current situation.
My last post was “But he doesn’t hit me” which was talking about emotional and mental abuse. Then on Thanksgiving, my facebook status was “if there are more than 4 women at your table, then one of them has been abused, molested and or raped. 1 in 12 odds for men.” So after a few emails I knew this was something that needed further discussion.
Maybe the number sounds high. You may look around your family, or your close friends and say “no, nothing has ever happened, I know them.” But the truth is sad.
It may have happened when they were little. Maybe it happened years ago, or it may have happened just today. First off, no matter if it is rape, sexual assault, physical abuse, or mental abuse it is embarrassing and humiliating. Second there is a problem of who do they tell, who can be trusted.
Most any form of abuse or assault happens from people known by the survivors. Since so many know their attackers, who can they trust? Even when they develop trust again, there are victims who would rather close the book and never talk about it again. Others may only mention when they are worried about someone else, or the topic becomes of importance.
It’s not an easy subject to handle or to announce. But what about those odds… again the truth is sad. Between friends and emails received I know many cases where this is a secret few know. If you are a guy you know men don’t talk. Men often feel emasculated by being abused so they are even more reluctant to talk.
It is not something talked about at the dinner table, so yes you could be sitting with a survivor, if not survivors. The odds are all too real. The reason for this story is simple. When do we make this stop? What can we do to help it stop?
Watch for signs of abuse. Watch for signs of someone having been raped. Offer support. Encourage medical attention as necessary. Do not push, judge or criticize. Read below for signs and visit the sites to see how you can help. If you are at a club and see someone slip something in a drink, tell someone. If you feel sleepy after a drink, talk to a guard or management. If you see abusive signs in your own relationship, seek help. Remember respect, honor and most important love. Put LOVE first everything else will fall into place.
MJ Schrader
Signs of Abusive Relationships
Fear of conflict, worried about upsetting a partner. Unexplained injuries, jumpy nervous behavior. Lose contact with friends. Change in activities, behavior and or appearance. Frequent last minute change of plans. Excuses made for abuser. Click here to learn how to help a friend or family member who is being abused.
Signs of Rape or Sexual Assault from NY Times
Rape or Sexual Assault is a very traumatic event. The person who was raped may or may not be able to say that she was actually raped, or she may seek medical attention for a different complaint. Emotional reactions differ greatly and may include:confusion, social withdrawal, tearfulness, nervousness or seemingly inappropriate laughter, numbness, hostility, and fear. Click here to learn how to help a friend who was raped
Posted by MJ Schrader under
Life
This is something I’ve heard several times this week. Years ago, I repeated “but he has never hit me” while looking at a marriage that was so wrong. So while I wanted to tell a story about New Mexico, this post is more important.
Regular readers know I was married. Over 12 years have passed, since I asked for us to get counseling, instead after work the house was half empty. Since then I dated guys with whom no future could exist. As a counseling student I know my choices were to “keep me safe” because I didn’t want to trust anyone although now someone is knocking on my heart… but that’s for another post.
Dating my ex-husband, he held my hand and sent “BIG” gifts to work, things for permanent display. Never roses, or dark blue irises that I love or flowers at all. This was all show, but being young and dumb “this meant he loved me.”
Married; the affection he showed in public remained the same, or even grew. The gifts were big and sent to work. Flowers added after much pleading, were given at home with a “I got them from the grocery discount bin” which showed. He barely talked to or touched me in private. Praising my accounting degree he didn’t trust me with his bank information. Yet he never hit me.
After working a 12 hour day, I refused to cook, so he grudgingly bought food for us, although I got food poisoning so bad I slept in front of the toilet. Fixing dinner I sliced my finger almost to the bone, neither time did he care.
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When I disagreed, he would cup my ears, mashing his palms & my hair into my ears. Then would “talk to me” except I couldn’t hear him, and it appeared he was mumbling. If I wanted to be alone, he would grab my arm and force me to stay. But he never hit me.
The contrary messages messed with my self-worth. When I woke up, and saw every bone in my body was visible, I realized “He doesn’t hit me” isn’t good enough. |
I deserve someone who can hold my hand, hug me or kiss me in public or private, in front of family or friends. Someone willing to compromise and honor promises. Someone who would get medicine for me, willing to watch shows I like. I am laid back, but I am not a doormat. This is almost 2010 and I am almost…. respect me for who I am, or walk away. Respect, honor and most important love. Put love first everything else will fall into place.
How about some you may have seen or heard. Excessive teasing. Berating someone in public. Constantly accusing someone of cheating, being mad, sad, or whatever. Name calling. Finding a reason to fight. Here’s one women use a lot, “you know why I am mad.” He or she “doesn’t hit me” is not good enough for me. And I am here to tell you, IT IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU EITHER.
So what if your significant other doesn’t hit you. If you use that phrase, your relationship is probably an abusive relationship. Ask for counseling, walk away, whatever, it is time for a change. A relationship is compromise, honor, respect, and love. Actually the first should be love.
Summary:
“Doesn’t hit me” is NOT GOOD ENOUGH. LOVE IS.
Sorry for the rant, but this is something my heart said to talk about this week.
MJ Schrader
Click here for Signs of Abuse
Now these 3 remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is ♥ LOVE ♥
Posted by MJ Schrader under
Life
Like I said in the last post, I have been fighting depression, and trying to accept that people want to spend time with me. In school sticking my nose in a book helped me not get picked on (even by a PE teacher, who coached my classmates into calling me names and hitting me). Crying got me in trouble at home. At 10 I had a detailed suicide plan.
Last weekend I was asked about dating in high school. I didn’t date in high school not even asked out. But I was happy to have a small group of friends. Crushes, PE, weaknesses were ammunition for being attacked. Married, my ex would say I was beautiful, but he didn’t want to touch me except in public, and I was friendless. Bosses called me stupid, yet I was the one to call to fix things. Any weakness I showed was attacked; yet I am the healer, the counselor.
My brain understand these are opposite messages. My brain understands the negative things are just that and are something I need to let go. Yet hiding behind books growing up, being cut off later, I have very few friends locally and then they are often busy with parental duties. So I find myself wondering how to make friends…
Part of this is my own fault, because while I said a few months ago I would ask for help, but still don’t actively seek friends. Calling people, visiting people are in the “don’t be a burden” memory banks. So I trust a limited one or two and continue to feel isolated and unable to balance the opposites.
Then at Unseminar 7, after a speaker,upon standing, I felt the wave hit. Shaking hands meant my blood sugar dropped. I told Maggie I was going to get a candy bar, she saw my hands and told me to sit, and Bill to watch me. Suddenly there were people every where. Lynette behind me. Rahdi, Jayson, and others, I don’t know who, because I was suddenly hot, my heart was beating like war drums. My fumbling fingers couldn’t open a stupid banana, I was weak…
and there was no attack…
no one saying you are a failure, crybaby, idiot, you shoulda this, you shoulda that…
Suddenly I had a protein bar, meal bar and banana, which Jayson opened when he saw I couldn’t get it open. Lynette fanned my neck, and someone helped me slip off the shirt jacket I was wearing. Bill tested my blood. …
and I was loved…
I am loved.
How do I say thank you?
How can I be a friend?
So I ask for help… please teach me to be a friend…
MJ Schrader
Posted by MJ Schrader under
Life
It’s been an interesting week. Last week, I spent many hours absorbing as much material as I can to make certain I covered all the basics and each step of setting up a WordPress website. Not that I didn’t know the steps, but that I have now set up enough WP sites that it has become rote.
When I went through the process of signing up at one site, I realized that I went through several steps quickly without noticing what steps were actually involved. While the process is automatic for me now, it took a bit of thought the first go round all those years ago, yet I was already considered a bit of a geek. So I had to go through the process again and again and again to note each step.
But how much of our behavior becomes memorized and so we go through the motions without realizing what all is involved?
Both good and bad?
We develop certain patterns to make our lives easier or at least that’s the logic. Yet sometimes the easier solution is just waiting to be found by analyzing our steps and patterns. This past month I learned how to open a banana.
Yup, 37 and I just found out how to open a banana. 
Seriously I did like you probably do, which is “grab the handle and pull it” of course if it’s a little brown or green it doesn’t work that well. Brown means you bruise the banana more, green and it doesn’t tear.
BUT… flip the banana around, start at the “tail end” pinch the end. Turn the banana 90 degrees and pinch the end again and pull. You will find the banana opens easy, amazingly easy. Just right / Green /Brown makes no difference. Yet, this one little change has made life a bit easier. So what you say? It’s just a banana…
The point is sometimes when we slowly go through something that is rote, we actually see the steps. Then we realize we do things because it was what we learned, what seemed to work, or what worked at the time. Things change.
While writing the “Rockstar Guide to WordPress” I started explaining how to do a process. However when I actually did, I found the process had changed and was simpler. I also found a new ways to drop a few steps from the whole set-up process. Sadly being the geek that I am, I actually make some steps more complicated than they should be.
So, this week I ask you to notice the steps involved in something you do automatically. What steps do you do just because?
Is there a way to change what you do that will make it easier?
Or a way to eliminate or combine steps?
Rock on!
MJ Schrader
LoveRockstar
