This is personal blog where I talk about the randomness that is life. But my goal in life is to help people succeed online and in their personal life. So if you have stumbled across this blog and are wondering, “Hey, I thought she taught WordPress,” you are right, I do. Visit RockstarGuideBooks.com to get the latest tips and advice.
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Or maybe you are here just to read about my life. As an author; well, I write about everything. My personal life included, and while the blog has changed it has existed for over 8 years now. I hope you enjoy and if you only take one piece of advice with you. Take this life is short, and we all need to ♥ Live ♥ Laugh ♥ Love ♥
On February 19, 2010 my grandparents celebrated their 64th wedding anniversary. In mid April, my mom and visited them. They have been together 64 years and most of that time they have loved each other deeply.
Most?
They are a couple. They have had their share of arguments and fights. I have not even made it 64 months in a relationship. Actually I am in the third longest relationship ever. Not that I avoided relationships, but didn’t find a lot on the market that interested me, or when I did, they had no interest in me. So my average relationship is probably in the 2 month bracket.
I have told my boyfriend, “we’ve been single a while, used to our own ways, it’s a problem.” Well it’s actually my problem, I am not as flexible as I should be. I have gotten rather used to doing things on my own and in my own fashion.
My Birthday
The end of May, for my birthday I spent it with him and his brother’s family and friends at Elephant Butte in New Mexico. It’s beautiful. Being a very white chick, I had to use a lot of sunscreen and naturally missed an area. Missed my left lower outside leg. We went Jet skiing and that area got fried. Then later we went ATV riding. I was riding a Trail Blazer 250, keeping up with 2 different 400s.
Trying… I am not used to gravel. It’s a 250… and I am stubborn. So my boyfriend riding in a jeep with friends watched me lose control in the gravel and run into a gravel embankment and a shrub… and hit guess which leg. Yes the left lower sunburnt leg also had gravel burns and shrub in it. What a great birthday present! (and actually it amused me more than it hurt) My mom called that night, worried about me, but didn’t say much.
A Fuzzy Two Weeks
On June 1st I came home. Mom told me my grandmother had a stroke May 27th. A massive one.
Grandaddy, who is already very very fragile, is not taking it well.
Over the next two weeks it was a mad scramble. Me trying to get ahead on work, on writing, the project that was supposed to release June 3rd was delayed until June 10th because of the scrambling. Trying to get ahead so because when things continue to flow as final plans are made. June 7th we were told my grandmother’s organs were shutting down. For the next 5 days my sleep was not restful, my dreams were disruptive.
The 20 Year Reunion
Then June 11th and 12th was the 20 year High School reunion. On June 11, 2 hours before the 1st reunion party I called my mom and said, “you are not allowed to call me for the rest of tonight.” She understood, just seeing her number on my cell would not have been good. Lack of sleep and waiting for a phone call put me on pins and needles during a reunion when I wanted to chat and share.
But a few people heard a funny story. Just last year our classmate Vicki came to Dallas for a wedding. We had a mini reunion with a few others, and she asked could her brother go with us. She may regret that now. Because the next week I asked about him. The next month she said he asked about me. So my boyfriend is 730 miles away just outside of El Paso and older brother to Vicki Maestas Buckingham! So we get to see each other frequently, Vicki and I! and of course Fred and I!
Their uncle died two days before our reunion so that added to their inability to make it.
June 12th was the next day of the reunion. But a week without sleep, finally resulted in sleeping all day. Same on Sunday, which was also my brother’s birthday. I emailed him a gift card. He’s in Macedonia as a missionary. Later that night I got a call.
no not a call…
the call…
the one. Your grandmother died an hour ago. Your grandaddy’s not taking it well. . . (he’s been holding to life on for her, he’ll stop eating without her.)
My brother and sister in law were already in bed. It was early morning in Macedonia. I was the first to catch them on the morning of the 14th. Around lunch time there, please skype Mom. But Mom wasn’t on, so we talked first, then they talked to Mom later.
64 years.
there will not be a 65.
This post has been the roller coaster of the past few weeks. Beautiful ups and dark downs.
So I said there was a lot to cover since my babysitting absence. Perhaps my hesitation in personal writing has been that some personal stuff has happened. Some really great things that in some ways I am still trying to understand. But let’s sequence the wavy flashback effects now…
SNOW!
In February we had snow. Now for some people that’s no biggie, but for where I live, snow is a surprise. Snow that actually sticks to the ground for more than a few hours is a shocker. Snow for a few days?
Valentine’s and a House Guest
A few days before Valentine’s Day this snow moved in and then my boyfriend from NM visited while the snow was still here. This was my first Valentine’s with someone in 4 years which was nice, but a stress because I haven’t had anyone stay in my home for a couple of days in many years. I’d rather not admit it, but I have become a bit used to bachelorette life.
So here were 3 things that were bit amazing happening. Then another happened as well. My family is small. A family reunion would be 17 people with significant others, and 4 generations included. Since the family is small you would expect us to be close… you’d think… Then pictures must be made quickly before people see the camera. Most certainly they don’t pose like we did below.
Brunch
And my boyfriend’s cousins invited us to brunch at their house an hour from here. The cousin who I already knew through Facebook gave me a hug. His sister and her family, I didn’t know and they invited us in warmly. We laughed and talked in the kitchen while brunch was being made. Everyone interacting like families should.
We ate brunch. Sharing food, discussing the new dishes, accepting imaginary tea from the 2 year old’s tea cart. Then we cleaned up together and laughed at music videos. Later we went out on their boat. A 42 foot boat with a cabin. The biggest boat I’d ever been on, we cranked music, while the girls fled from the “old people dancing” and in the midst of it all “Imma Be” came on.
Imma Be
It’s the first time I heard the song. Dancing on a boat. Surrounded with LOVE. My boyfriend, who makes my heart light. A family who loves each other. And my writing career growing. I felt loved. I felt amazed. And I felt incredibly at home.
“Imma be living the good life. The good, good, life. Imma be living the good life.”
yea… I am…
♥ MJ
PS. The next post will bring us back to current times!
Silly video recorded while the song was playing… a beer with frozen head …
Well, I haven’t written a personal blog entry in a while. I could give excuses, but simply I didn’t have enough time to gather my thoughts to tell you what all is on my mind and what all was/ is happening.
New Experience: Babysitting
In February I accepted a job babysitting, daily 2 pm to 1am. She is 4, a great kid. Her parents are wonderful friends. However this was a lot of time to be with a child who doesn’t bark or meow, when that’s been your only children. (My only pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. I am trying to get comfortable with saying that… not easy.)
Lessons Learned
So the many hours and quite a bit of thoughts going on in my head I have not been writing my personal weekly blog. Not to say I have been sitting idly watching her and doing nothing else. I worked with her on writing, cutting, pasting and measuring ingredients. She rather enjoyed measuring rice crispy treats. (BTW leave out one crispy per each cup when you are doing this with a kid or if you are like me you will lose count, plus it helps her count).
She worked with me on patience and learning how to explain things better. Children need very specific instructions and sometimes so do we as adults. She had very specific terms she wanted to use, to her a shopping cart is a buggie. Shopping cart was not acceptable. Yet, as adults we forget that other countries and even other parts of our country have different terms, like pop, soda, and here “Coke” while cringing at the word “pop.” So I learned a lot which I hope helps in my future teaching “how to” projects.
Expert Author
(♥ love that my name is attached to Author ♥) During that time I also worked on writing, improving both speed and consistency. While I was not writing here, I was submitting articles to Ezine Articles. I decided to write 100 articles in 2 months. 100 in 56 days. I did it in 48. Now there are 114 articles on Ezine Articles, 50 are published elsewhere and over 4500 views.
Also did quite a bit of thinking. There is something to be said for trying something different. Yes, I needed money, (still do) but I didn’t babysit when I was a teenager. I have for friends, but only a few hours, several kids and a few hours I was cooked. So this was an experiment to see what I could learn.
I learned how to get more done in less time. Although now that I am not babysitting my schedule is wonky due to some other problems and I am doing less. Also I realized some changes need to be made. Like I can take on odd jobs doing graphics work, website set ups and even answer questions to make some money.
Do you need Graphics? WordPress help? Installation?
That being said, if you need graphics work, website set ups, or WordPress questions answered contact me. I am taking in jobs. Just send a message via Twitter @LoveRockstar or Facebook. I am taking in 3
There is more to be said, but that’s for another post.
Personally I am not big into resolutions. Resolutions do not seem to work for most people. Perhaps because we resolve to “work out more,” or “eat healthier” or “read more.” There are no solid resolutions, no commitment or number.
Work out more? Eat healthier? By choosing to eat an apple today instead of a doughnut by definition is healthier. Yet this is not really what we need to do, we need to decide to eat an apple everyday. Decide to work out 3 times a week . Commit to reading 2 books a month. Commit to losing 5 pounds for the next 4 months and then maintain.
These are defined goals. SMART Goals. Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Timely.
Specific ~ an apple.
Measurable ~ every day.
Attainable ~ a slight stretch going from once a month to every day.
Realistic ~ 1 apple vs 5 (unless you really love apples)
Timely ~ for a year
The other thing to setting “resolutions” is to turn them into goals. Not goals for right now, but goals for the end of the year. So you have to keep working towards that end goal.
This is the idea that bubbled into my head reading Erica Douglass and her New Year blog. She has a #themeword for the year, Create. She wants to create more. More of everything. In Erica’s blog you can read that her goals are SMART.
After spending a few days in thought, my #themeword appeared. My #themeword for 2010 is “Action.”
Because for years I haven’t taken action. Because I want a massive change in 2010, which requires action. Because I don’t want to go back to a job, action is necessary. Because I must take action to get out of debt and into a new home. Because I want to get my ideas on paper and on video, which requires action. Because I have a lot to share that floats in my head, action again. Because I want to exercise 3 times a week in addition to daily walking, action. Because I want to travel, action. Because I want to spend time with someone special, action. Because I want to visit my friends in Texas, action. Because I plan to cook 3 times a week, action.
So yes, I do believe my #themeword is action. As for my goals… well I have them written down, but I don’t plan on sharing most of those. Yet, you will be seeing some interesting posts in the next few days.
What’s your #Themeword? Comment below and I will add your #themeword to this page.
Because the holidays often bring up old abuse patterns… I am giving you the best audio gift I could think of this year:
“Instant Healing for Abuse Patterns”
…Because sometimes we let ourselves be abused and don’t even realize it! (This is delivered by online audio no matter where you live)
Please take the quiz below and see if you have any old abuse issues hiding in the shadows.
Can you think of anyone else who may have some of these same issues? Forward this letter to them please. Yes, I am giving you permission to ‘re-gift’. Let’s spread this healing all around the globe.
Odds are, you know someone who was physically abused, odds are you know someone who was sexually assaulted even raped. Odds are you know someone emotionally abused. Odds are you know several. Odds are in many cases you don’t even know this is part of their history or current situation.
My last post was “But he doesn’t hit me” which was talking about emotional and mental abuse. Then on Thanksgiving, my facebook status was “if there are more than 4 women at your table, then one of them has been abused, molested and or raped. 1 in 12 odds for men.” So after a few emails I knew this was something that needed further discussion.
Maybe the number sounds high. You may look around your family, or your close friends and say “no, nothing has ever happened, I know them.” But the truth is sad.
It may have happened when they were little. Maybe it happened years ago, or it may have happened just today. First off, no matter if it is rape, sexual assault, physical abuse, or mental abuse it is embarrassing and humiliating. Second there is a problem of who do they tell, who can be trusted.
Most any form of abuse or assault happens from people known by the survivors. Since so many know their attackers, who can they trust? Even when they develop trust again, there are victims who would rather close the book and never talk about it again. Others may only mention when they are worried about someone else, or the topic becomes of importance.
It’s not an easy subject to handle or to announce. But what about those odds… again the truth is sad. Between friends and emails received I know many cases where this is a secret few know. If you are a guy you know men don’t talk. Men often feel emasculated by being abused so they are even more reluctant to talk.
It is not something talked about at the dinner table, so yes you could be sitting with a survivor, if not survivors. The odds are all too real. The reason for this story is simple. When do we make this stop? What can we do to help it stop?
Watch for signs of abuse. Watch for signs of someone having been raped. Offer support. Encourage medical attention as necessary. Do not push, judge or criticize. Read below for signs and visit the sites to see how you can help. If you are at a club and see someone slip something in a drink, tell someone. If you feel sleepy after a drink, talk to a guard or management. If you see abusive signs in your own relationship, seek help. Remember respect, honor and most important love. Put LOVE first everything else will fall into place.
MJ Schrader
Signs of Abusive Relationships
Fear of conflict, worried about upsetting a partner. Unexplained injuries, jumpy nervous behavior. Lose contact with friends. Change in activities, behavior and or appearance. Frequent last minute change of plans. Excuses made for abuser. Click here to learn how to help a friend or family member who is being abused.
Rape or Sexual Assault is a very traumatic event. The person who was raped may or may not be able to say that she was actually raped, or she may seek medical attention for a different complaint. Emotional reactions differ greatly and may include:confusion, social withdrawal, tearfulness, nervousness or seemingly inappropriate laughter, numbness, hostility, and fear. Click here to learn how to help a friend who was raped
This is something I’ve heard several times this week. Years ago, I repeated “but he has never hit me” while looking at a marriage that was so wrong. So while I wanted to tell a story about New Mexico, this post is more important.
Regular readers know I was married. Over 12 years have passed, since I asked for us to get counseling, instead after work the house was half empty. Since then I dated guys with whom no future could exist. As a counseling student I know my choices were to “keep me safe” because I didn’t want to trust anyone although now someone is knocking on my heart… but that’s for another post.
Dating my ex-husband, he held my hand and sent “BIG” gifts to work, things for permanent display. Never roses, or dark blue irises that I love or flowers at all. This was all show, but being young and dumb “this meant he loved me.”
Married; the affection he showed in public remained the same, or even grew. The gifts were big and sent to work. Flowers added after much pleading, were given at home with a “I got them from the grocery discount bin” which showed. He barely talked to or touched me in private. Praising my accounting degree he didn’t trust me with his bank information. Yet he never hit me.
After working a 12 hour day, I refused to cook, so he grudgingly bought food for us, although I got food poisoning so bad I slept in front of the toilet. Fixing dinner I sliced my finger almost to the bone, neither time did he care.
When I disagreed, he would cup my ears, mashing his palms & my hair into my ears. Then would “talk to me” except I couldn’t hear him, and it appeared he was mumbling. If I wanted to be alone, he would grab my arm and force me to stay. But he never hit me.
The contrary messages messed with my self-worth. When I woke up, and saw every bone in my body was visible, I realized “He doesn’t hit me” isn’t good enough.
I deserve someone who can hold my hand, hug me or kiss me in public or private, in front of family or friends. Someone willing to compromise and honor promises. Someone who would get medicine for me, willing to watch shows I like. I am laid back, but I am not a doormat. This is almost 2010 and I am almost…. respect me for who I am, or walk away. Respect, honor and most important love. Put love first everything else will fall into place.
How about some you may have seen or heard. Excessive teasing. Berating someone in public. Constantly accusing someone of cheating, being mad, sad, or whatever. Name calling. Finding a reason to fight. Here’s one women use a lot, “you know why I am mad.” He or she “doesn’t hit me” is not good enough for me. And I am here to tell you, IT IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU EITHER.
So what if your significant other doesn’t hit you. If you use that phrase, your relationship is probably an abusive relationship. Ask for counseling, walk away, whatever, it is time for a change. A relationship is compromise, honor, respect, and love. Actually the first should be love.
Summary:
“Doesn’t hit me” is NOT GOOD ENOUGH. LOVE IS.
Sorry for the rant, but this is something my heart said to talk about this week.
Like I said in the last post, I have been fighting depression, and trying to accept that people want to spend time with me. In school sticking my nose in a book helped me not get picked on (even by a PE teacher, who coached my classmates into calling me names and hitting me). Crying got me in trouble at home. At 10 I had a detailed suicide plan.
Last weekend I was asked about dating in high school. I didn’t date in high school not even asked out. But I was happy to have a small group of friends. Crushes, PE, weaknesses were ammunition for being attacked. Married, my ex would say I was beautiful, but he didn’t want to touch me except in public, and I was friendless. Bosses called me stupid, yet I was the one to call to fix things. Any weakness I showed was attacked; yet I am the healer, the counselor.
My brain understand these are opposite messages. My brain understands the negative things are just that and are something I need to let go. Yet hiding behind books growing up, being cut off later, I have very few friends locally and then they are often busy with parental duties. So I find myself wondering how to make friends…
Part of this is my own fault, because while I said a few months ago I would ask for help, but still don’t actively seek friends. Calling people, visiting people are in the “don’t be a burden” memory banks. So I trust a limited one or two and continue to feel isolated and unable to balance the opposites.
Then at Unseminar 7, after a speaker,upon standing, I felt the wave hit. Shaking hands meant my blood sugar dropped. I told Maggie I was going to get a candy bar, she saw my hands and told me to sit, and Bill to watch me. Suddenly there were people every where. Lynette behind me. Rahdi, Jayson, and others, I don’t know who, because I was suddenly hot, my heart was beating like war drums. My fumbling fingers couldn’t open a stupid banana, I was weak…
and there was no attack…
no one saying you are a failure, crybaby, idiot, you shoulda this, you shoulda that…
Suddenly I had a protein bar, meal bar and banana, which Jayson opened when he saw I couldn’t get it open. Lynette fanned my neck, and someone helped me slip off the shirt jacket I was wearing. Bill tested my blood. …
and I was loved…
I am loved.
How do I say thank you?
How can I be a friend?
So I ask for help… please teach me to be a friend…
D*MNED IF YOU DO
This has been on my mind a lot lately. Unfortunately, business success is a slow going process, which I understand. Yet, things have been happening that make life even harder, a lot of d*mned-if-you-do,-d*mned-if-you-don’t. In the summer I got rid of a lot of things in my house that had negative influences. Now I am looking at people.
.
IRONY
Pair of family members got into a discussion in my car saying that a divorced woman commits adultery by marrying again. This and other discussions were “because they were worried I didn’t believe in God.” Ironically because of these discussions I did before, and now I am not certain.
Meanwhile an ex-friend from Un5 told me no man would go out with me without sex. I want a man to want ALL OF ME, brains, laughing, dancing, studying, silly, pet owning, coffee loving me. Furthering the above mentioned d*mned cycle, if I stay in on Friday night, someone will ask “why aren’t you out?” Then I am told if you want to find someone “you need to learn to live alone.” I haven’t been on a date in over a year.
.
IT GETS MESSY
So between problems with family and friends trying to decide if I want to date again, if so how to meet good men, and watching a friend go through a divorce. Then business related trying to get a business started. Then financial related trying to decide what to do about an income, paying bills, having emergency expenses, and so much… and actually truth is I have been fighting depression since I got laid off in April, which grew when I quit in July, but I don’t need another job where I am treated like I am stupid (even told that by a manager).
Add in this past week I learned a VERY PAINFUL BUSINESS LESSON from “a friend” suddenly I was hurting so bad, I was worried I’d do something incredibly stupid that would get me hurt. Stress makes me turn fearless, combine a high pain tolerance & I do chores I shouldn’t, like clean gutters standing on the on the TOP step of a shaking ladder.
.
FRIENDS REDEFINED:
But I made a comment about being incredibly hurt on Twitter and I wished I could talk to someone. Within minutes Martha was on the phone asking me what she could do. The next day, Maggie, Karen and Trapper had contacted me. I had pulled out of a forum and within days the founder talked to me. So the painful lesson resulted in me learning the difference between friends and those “who want to be your friend.”
.
FAMILY REDEFINED:
Oddly earlier in the week someone asked me how do you define family. Being ever curious, I looked up the actual definition, expecting blood relations. There are several definitions, household, common ancestry, scientific terms, and then: people who share a common background and goal. My family is rather small, shrunk further by discord, and I have always wanted to be part of a big family.
So rather than continue claiming “blood” family, I will claim those who share a common goal. The first being Love.
Which means a very few “blood” relations, plus a whole family who are not blood related to me, but they are family to me, and I them (Stella, April et.al. Love you!) My family consists of someone I have loved (non-romantic) since we were singing “Froggy went a Courting” (Prince love you!) Then there is Vicki in New Mexico. And many people I have met in the past 2 years that now are family (Maggie, Christy, Martha, Karen, Twenty, Carol and more)
So define your family and friends by your heart. Ignore the words in dictionary. Don’t ignore your gut when it says don’t be friends with M even if friends say trust them. Follow your heart. ♥
♥
So what is your definition of friends? Of family?
Does it really matter what the dictionary says or should they be defined by your heart?
Because the next week I asked about him. The next month she said he asked about me. So my boyfriend is 730 miles away just outside of El Paso and older brother to Vicki Maestas Buckingham! So we get to see each other frequently, Vicki and I! and of course Fred and I!
IRONY
